A thank you message to the world of MySpace for making me SO cool. How did I get so cool you ask? Well MySpace made me cool. I have 9,435 “friends”. Did you all hear that 9,435! Never mind that 8,233 of them are those MySpace spam skankywhore hookers and the rest are profiles from bands that no one has ever heard of, ya know the bands on the official MySpace music label. But hey 9,435 friends is a lot, who cares that none of my “friends” are anyone I actually know or have ever met.
It feels great to be so popular; ya know in school I was white and nerdy. But now, thanks to myspace I am one of the popular kids. It’s so nice to be able to pick and choose my “friends” I can ignore and/or deny the geeks, and freaks that are so uncool and totally not as popular as I am. Besides, who wants to associate with those losers anyway? It’s like totally neato that whenever I feel like it I can end friendships with a simple click of the delete button. This way there is no scary confrontation. Upon logging on to their MySpace account my “ex-friend” now knows I hate them and never want to talk to them ever again. That’s powerful stuff. I bet Harry Potter couldn’t even pull off a magic trick like that.
People are so sensitive these days. If I don’t call exactly when I said I would they get back at me by deleting me from their page. The other day I upset Aunt Edna for spitting out her “famous pudding”. That whole side of the family deleted me within minutes. The mere threat of deletion sends chills down my spine. I can’t stand it.
Oh and just so you know there is no bigger insult on the planet than deleting me from your MySpace page. I’d be more ok with you stealing my car than you deleting me from your page. I’ve got a reputation to uphold and I can’t have people seeing my popularity index decline. So, if you decide to delete me, I will have no choice but to act a fool, go postal on your ass and throw a huge fit. Furthermore, deleting me will cause me to gossip with all my friends about how much of a shmuck you are for deleting me. You will never be cool again and I will never talk to you again.
Well, ok I thought about it and never is a long time and I realize that you may have “accidently” deleted me and because we are such good “friends” I will re-accept your friends request but don’t expect to get on to my top 8 again anytime soon.
Speaking of my top 8, in order to eliminate the guess work I am displaying the coolest most popular friends of mine on my top 8. Yes, they are shown in the order of how cool/popular they are. Your position on my top 8 is how I much I like you. If you are my “friend” on MySpace but you are not on my top 8 I still like you but way less than those who are on my top 8. There are 3 ways to become 1 on my top 8. First, you must be my BFF. Your chances are good here since my BFF usually changes hourly. The second way to be top dog is to be really super attractive. I don’t even have to know you. Just having a hot babe as my 1 makes me look cool and popular. And the last way is to be my girlfriend (Smooches Snookums). Simply put it’s a great way to mark my territory. Showing her off and sending the message loud and clear that she is mine. There is no other way to the top spot, so stop asking. The answer is no. Go cry then delete me cause I bruised your ego.
Are you still reading this? Wow! I really am popular. While I still have your attention let me tell you some of my favorite things about MySpace. First and foremost I love attempting to access my MySpace page and having to wait… and wait… and wait… until finally the stupid page produces an error, a message that says blah, blah, “…MySpace has encountered and error and we have emailed the error message to our technical team… blah, blah, blah…” I get this message at least 100 times a day. I hear tons people get the same message. So, the “technical team” must have a ton of the same email message waiting for them in their inbox. I am starting to wonder why the error hasn’t been fixed yet. If I was on the “technical team” I’d be sick and tired of getting the same stupid email from millions of people every day.
Once I am lucky enough to avoid all the technical problems and view my profile I like to spruce it up a bit by adding a streaming video of a current popular song. I do this to torture the emo boys. I know they want to hear “Your Beautiful” by James Blunt over and over while visiting my page.
Also, I’ve noticed more and more people using a mirror in their profile picture. I am not really sure why they are doing this but I better do it to, in order to keep up with the Jones.
Oh, and what’s a MySpace page without a little spunk. I’m talking color baby. But not just any color, my goal (and it seems like many others do the same) is to be unique. I can’t have my page look like anyone else’s page. So, naturally I choose insane colors that make the text on the page impossible to read, and then add a super busy background and then top it all off with those fun animated snowflakes. HOW SUPER! If there was any other way to make my page unreadable and intolerable I’d jump on it. My page is SO much better than yours will ever be.
Later I plan on inflating how much money I make by about 60 thousand dollars a year. Posting this on my page will surely make all the honeys want to hang with me.
And Finally, I’ve saved the best for last. The all mighty bulletin. Such a powerful thing, yet so underutilized in my opinion. So, tonight I plan on posting a 6000-question survey along with a few of those add-on lists of the first place I kissed a girl. I know that NOBODY reads my answers to the surveys but I can’t stop doing them, I fear if I stop I might upset the MySpace gods and I would become unpopular and potentially lose all my “friends”. And that is simply not an option.
You too can be just like me. Keep filling out the surveys, deleting “friends” as often as you breath and soon you MySpace will become YourSpace.
Look out Tom, in a month or two I’ll have more “friends” than you. After that world domination is mine.
MUHUAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Authors Note: This is my pathetic attempt to make fun of MySpace. It is meant purely as a joke so calm down over there sparky! If you don’t like it… Delete me 
Written By: Joe Perrin
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